:D Happy New Year
> Tools and their uses . . .
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
> flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly
> painted airplane part you were drying.
>
> BELT SANDER: Used for making rectangular gouges in wood.
>
> PAD SANDER: Used for easing the edges of the rectangular gouges.
>
> RANDOM ORBIT SANDER: Used for removing the marks left by the PAD SANDER,
> usually on any surface perpendicular to the original gouge. May also be
> used to make semicircular gouges in wood.
>
> DETAIL SANDER: Makes triangular gouges, generally in blind corners.
>
> BISCUIT JOINER: Tool used to misalign wood in a very consistent manner
> which can then be sanded heavily (See BELT SANDER).
>
> CHISEL: Multi use tool - good for making deep cuts in the hand.
>
> CORDLESS DRILL/POWER SCREWDRIVER: Used for rounding out Phillips screw
> heads at high speed.
>
> ROUTER: Used to darken wood by friction and make smoke. For this latter
> purpose, it replaces the incense used by primitive woodworking cultures
> who wished to influence the woodworking deities. When used with a ROUTER
> TABLE this tool can be used to make varying profiles using a single bit
> and a single depth setting.
>
> TAPE MEASURE: This device is used to measure length. It should be
> immediately dropped onto concrete several times so that measurements made
> with it will then agree with every other TAPE MEASURE in the world.
>
> NAILSET: Used to make small, round depressions around the head of a finish
> nail. Principally used for decoration.
>
> CLAMPS: These come in two sizes: too small and loaned to an in-law.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
> the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
> hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
> "Ouch...."
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
> until you die of old age; with the proper accessories, used to destroy
> perfectly good wood in many ways.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
> your future becomes.
>
> SABER SAW: See Hacksaw.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
> they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
> hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
> objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
> the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
>
> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
> socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
> you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle
> firmly under the bumper.
>
> 8-FOOT LONG 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic
> jack handle.
>
> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic
> floor jack.
>
> PHONE (alt.): Tool for calling your brother-in-law to see if he has your
> CLAMPS .
>
> TABLE SAW: Used to make wood slightly narrower than necessary.
>
> MITER SAW: Used to make wood slightly shorter than necessary.
>
> THICKNESS PLANER: Used to make wood slightly thinner than necessary.
>
> JOINTER: Used to make the too thin, too short, too narrow wood perfectly
> straight. Very useful for making two sides of a board perfectly straight
> but non-parallel.
>
> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
> spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot.
>
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
> drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
> everything you forgot to disconnect.
>
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has
> an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
>
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
> drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
> which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,
> it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
> that 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours
> of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
> somewhat misleading.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
> as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
>
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
> power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
> travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
> bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly
> rounds off their heads.
>
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
> you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
> used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far
> from the object we are trying to hit.
>
> HAMMER (alt.): Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
> continues to be the tool of choice for making medium sized circular
> depressions in wooden surfaces of all kinds.
>
> UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
> cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
> such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
> magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
>
> UTILITY KNIFE (alt.): Used to slice through the fingers. For purposes of
> sanitation, the blades are easily replaceable.
>
> DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
> while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool
> that you will need.
>
> EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow
> eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in
> foresight
