Pre-NAIAS Industry News!!

[ZanatWork]

(note: for some occasionally confused, the following will mostly be a pack of utterly shameless lies created for entertainment...mostly that of the author.)

 

 

Acura- As rumors continue for the long-awaited NSX successor, a company insider refers to the carefully-metered information as "Alfa Romeo marketing".

 

Alfa Romeo- In an effort to protect their shapely supercars, potential US dealers are forbidden to sell the coupes to any "female celebrities under 30".

 

Aston Martin- The company announces a return to its British roots by engineering looser gasket tolerances and re-introducing Lucas as their electrical supplier. Exotic car mechanics worldwide party for a week straight.

 

Audi- A daring crossover prototype based on the S6 with 6 wheels-all powered and steered-chases away some deeply religious engineeres with the tragic project title:S666.

 

Bentley- A gentleman's wager between Bentley and former partner Rolls Royce goes in Bentley's favor: as Bentleys appeared in more rap videos last year than Rolls, the latter's representatives will appear at NAIAS in t-shirts proclaiming "Bentley is the SHIZNIT!".

 

BMW- Bavaria'smotoring pride and joy is hard at work developing a successor to its loved/hated iDrive. In the new version, all vehicle functions would be tied into the computer,"because we feel our cars would drive better with less human interference".

 

Buick- The division's marketing department is dealt a serious blow when the "Rainman" edition Roadmaster convertible concept gets pulled from the NAIAS at the 11th hour. Rumors insist that Tom Cruise wouldn't appear with the car unless GM agreed to follow the words of L. Ron Hubbard.

 

Cadillac- Employees will be spending NAIAS laughing to themselves after the brand agrees to get Paris Hilton to appear with a new sedan concept: the DiTZ.

 

Chevrolet- As NAIAS exibitors unload, "Maximum Bob" Lutz breaks a bottle of Thunderbird across the bumper of a new Malibu and gestures threateningly toward the Toyota booth's employees. As he's dragged away, GM representatives assure the gathered throng that Mr. Lutz was "merely saluting a positive competitive spirit".

 

Chrysler- working to dispell rumors of financial distress, representatives announce company-wide upgrades...to headrest materials.

 

Dodge- In attempts to cash in on "Challenger mania", the name is spread throught the lineup. Now there's the "Challenger XL" (formerly the Charger), the "Challenger Lite" (Caliber), and the "Challenger Cubed" (Nitro).

 

Ferrari- The marque of the Prancing Horse comes to NAIAS with a simple sign: "SOLD OUT 'TIL 2010" and a few very smug representatives toasting passers-by with champagne.

 

Ford- Under pressure from customers, Alan Mullaly and Bill Gates make the joint announcement that forthcoming Sync-equipped vehicles will include a full version of "Halo 3" playable with the steering wheel buttons.

 

GMC- In a continuing attempt to create a real identity, the truck company offers 3 interior color schemes unavaiable in Chevrolet trucks.

 

Honda- In a press conference, the company chairman apologizes for using a cool, aggressive song like "Barracuda" for a fairly conservative minivan. The works of Billy Ocean are suggested instead.

 

Hummer- GM's heavy SUV division continues gaining popularity, and stress-related illnesses in the Sierra Club's membership continue skyrocketing.

 

Hyundai- With a new line of rwd cars and newfound momentum, the company pledges to emerge from Honda's shadow and live in Toyota's instead.

 

Infiniti- In an attempt to make an impression with enthusiasts, a new ad campaign is announced where a G37 is seen ripping around a racetrack as a message plays across the bottom of the screeen: "The other brands are p***ies. Infiniti.".

 

Isuzu- (sigh) It'd be too much like kicking a hurt puppy.

 

Jaguar- In a misguided attempt to make a good impression with their future ownership, the woman-marketed ad "Get Your Tatas behind the wheel of a Jaguar!" gets half of Jaguar's advertising department fired.

 

Jeep- Chrysler's sole successful division offers the new "Ted Nugent Outdoorsman" package for all its vehicles: special gun racks, a 1200 watt stereo with Ted's full CD catalog, and a bullhorn for yelling profanity at Democratic political rallies.

 

Kia- As parent company Hyundai moves up to Toyota's shadow, Kia's "sporting attitude" moves them into Mazda's shadow.

 

Lamborghini- Feeling threatened in the supercar wars, "Lambo" begins working on a quad-turbo Murcielago mule. Initial testing proves difficult as the tires are quickly melted off of all 4 wheels.

 

Land Rover- On the eve of new ownership, Land Rover's NAIAS presenters commit a considerable gaffe by waving to the Ford presenters and shouting "Ta-TA, Ford!". The new owners are seen at Kinko's, duplicating pink slips.

 

Lexus- Responding to questions regarding the "snooze factor" of the newest LS sedan, the Chairman reads the following from a prepared statement: "We will endeavor to make all of our vehicles more involving to drive...but we already had to increase produciton capacity. Bite me."

 

Lincoln- As the embattled luxury marque continues to show growth, a poster of the lineup

is handed out at NAIAS; it shows the MKZ, the MKX, the new MKS, and the bottom line say "MK it down...we're just getting started".

 

Lotus- The company's motorsport director explains the inability to rejoin Formula 1: "the money is extremely prohibitive...and we can't seem to build a car that meets the minimum weight".

 

Maserati- Attempts to find musical guests to help present at NAIAS are fouled by the fact that neither Joe Walsh's "Life's Been Good" nor Ted Nugent's "Wango Tango" are exactly the statement the company wants to go with its $100,000 offerings.

 

Mazda- A story told by an engineer at NAIAS involved putting a thoroughly-boosted "Renesis" rotary engine into an MX-5 mule in hopes of creating a new Mazdasport concept. After the mule's numerous incidents due to overwhelming power, it gains the nicknake "RX-OFTEN".

 

Maybach- The Mercedes-greater-than-Mercedes line completes its "flight cabin" decor with new cool air ports in the ceiling and a "Sharper Image" catalog in the pouches behind the front seats.

 

Mercedes- The company begins work on improving its safety systems including an onboard breathylizer (codenamed the Paris), radar object avoidance (the Linsay), and better child seat access (the Britney).

 

Mercury- In a long-suggested-but-never-actually-expected move, Alan Mullaly and Mark Fields announce that Ford's middle division will receive Euro-Fords like the S-Max and the Mondeo within just months, revitalizing the brand completely. Also, as of tomorrow all farts will smell like roses and the rich will donate billions to balance the finances of the Free World. What, did that sound bitter?

 

Mitsubishi- Celebrating a year in which sales were largely up in the US, Mitsubishi vows to sell 50% more in 2008...brining the company's total sales up to something like 2 months' of Camry registrations.

 

Morgan- In response to accusations of living in the past, company spokesmen tantalize auto writers with tales of development mules bearing futuristic "tail fin" styling.

 

Pontiac- the "Excitement" division of GM will NOT be getting a Firebird to partner Chevy's Camaro, and thus won't be offering anything with both a V8 and a manual transmission. Again, this is the "excitement division"...?

 

Porsche- In response to the recent record lap times around the 'Ring by Nissan's new supercar, Porsche engineers dust off the long-stored Can-Am 16-cyl engine and look among their offerings for a possible recipient....

 

Rolls Royce- Attempts to sue Peterbilt, Mack, and Kenworth for "suspiciously similar grille designs" prove fruitless.

 

Saab- Recent successes and improvements to this quirky brand are remarkable, but I'd rather not go into a bunch of "Saab stories". (yeah, that was pretty bad)

 

Saturn- GM's European-designed American-based anti-Japanese import brand-yeah, I think that's right-continues to show American ingenuity's response to Japanese technology by introducing yet another European-designed Opel derivative, the Astra. My head really hurts.

 

Scion- In something of an embarrassing moment, a picture of a Scion xB from a recent road-test ends up in a toaster comparison in Consumer Reports. To its credit, they found it easily cleaned and bagel-smart.

 

Smart- The introduction of this microcar is dealt a setback when 3 meant for display inside Cobo hall are caught in the grille of a passing Ford Excursion and helplessly whisked away.

 

Subaru- Japan's quirkiest brand celebrates a successful cost-cutting program that helps profitability. In a seperate article, more unused Chrysler Pacifica grille sctions go missing from warehouses nationwide.

 

Suzuki- GM's small import brand comes under legal fire when a commerical describes the chome grille of its cuv as "Edgey". Ford's lawyers are supposedly unamused.

 

Toyota- In the latest incidents involving the embattled Tundra pickup, owners are reporting that the under-bed spare tire has apparently been filled with a faulty-and explosive-tire sealant. As the trucks suddenly have their rear ends pop upward as the spares explode, Toyota quickly dismisses the incidents as "driver error" while also arranging "customer service opprotunities" in which people can bring their Tundra to the dealership for a fresh spare tire. CR and TTAC laud the actions of Toyota as "Nobel Prize territory".

 

Volkswagen- As a result of the "Just a Signature" promotion, VW passes Mitsubishi as the leader in defaulted vehicle loans.

 

Volvo- A new "Taste of Scandanavia" promotion goes seriously awry when the "free sampler of Nordic seafood delights" causes food poisoning across the US.

 

Happy New Year, Everybody!

[Watchdevil]

Here's more on Bentley. They appearantly get sued by Rolls Royce for looking to much like them so Bentley has to adapt a new design DNA. The result is a Bentley that looks too much like a VW Passat and Ford tries to sue because it looks too much like the new Taurus...

[fordmantpw]

That's good stuff ZanatWork!

[Mark B. Morrow]

Thanks Zan Great read. I lol'd many times.

 

The Jaguar line reminds me of the movie Crazy People. The ad they did for Jaguar: Jaguar, for men who want hand jobs from women they don't know.

Edited January 5, 2008 by Mark B. Morrow

[Edstock]

"a full version of "Halo 3" playable with the steering wheel buttons"

 

SUMBITCH!!! Count me in!

[rmc523]

Thanks ZanatWork! Those were good.

[rmc523]

"a full version of "Halo 3" playable with the steering wheel buttons"

 

SUMBITCH!!! Count me in!

 

I liked that one too.

 

I can see it now, from little Focus' to Explorers people playing Halo while driving, cars veering in and out of lanes, etc. LOL

 

Then you could have the SYNC system connect to other SYNC systems, you could pull up to a street light, say "You wanna go?" they say SURE, then you kill each other in HALO.

Edited January 5, 2008 by rmc523