Ford Jellymoulds Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 (edited) Jeremy Clarkson Sunday Times 20/09/09.. As we know, there is absolutely nothing you ever encounter on holiday that works very well as a part of your everyday life. The sunshine, for instance. If we had an uninterrupted blue dome sitting over Britain 365 days a year, we'd spend all day at the beach and never do any work. This would turn us all into Australians, and pretty soon we'd only be known on the world stage for our large prawns. Buying a foreign holiday home won't work either because, as Daisy Waugh pointed out recently in this paper, it doesn't really matter how well you speak the local lingo; one day, just after your swimming pool has exploded, you will be in the local hardware store when you realise you don't know the word for pliers. Do you know how to say "jump leads" in French? A friend of mine once spent a good half-hour in a chandlers in Cannes pretending to be a dog by barking. Then he pointed to an imaginary lead around his neck and jumped up and down, which was very imaginative but wrong. The words he needed were "batterie connecteur". You didn't know that, did you? You would have gone round to a neighbour's house and pretended to be a dog as well, and then your neighbours would have clocked you as mad. Beer's another problem. Back in 1984, I spent some time wandering around China, where, so far as I could tell, it was always 120F and raining. This made me very thirsty so I spent most days drinking gallons of the local brew, which is called Tsingtao. It was delicious. I loved it. And then I tried some when I got home and I decided that actually it was exactly the same as drinking watered-down mouse pee. And then there's the hire car. This isn't a problem in Europe, where, at best, you'll get a diesel-powered Renault Scénic that won't have enough power to get up the drive to your villa and will smell of sick. No one ever harbours a desire to buy a version of what they rented in Spain or France. But America's different. I once rented a Corvette in Vegas and spent the whole time wondering why I didn't have such a thing at home. Then you have the Mustang. I know it has a live rear axle and that its massive 5-litre V8 has less power than Luxembourg's milk marketing board. But that doesn't stop me coming home and pressing my nose every night against the plate glass windows of that American car dealership in Barnes. This year, though, I didn't rent a Mustang. On my recent trip to Canada, I got myself a Ford Flex, and it's got me thinking. As is usual for an American car, it came with a half-timbered steering wheel so that drivers are made to feel like they are in Anne Hathaway's cottage. Americans like it in Anne Hathaway's cottage. It gives them a sense of being. There was also some wood — well, I say wood but it was more like Fablon — on the dash. And the seats were quilted. By someone who has 10 thumbs. And is blind. Then you have the doors. They are huge, and they open right down to a point below the sills. That means they won't open at all if you park alongside any sort of kerb. There's a similar problem with the four-wheel-drive system. The Flex is designed to be a bit of a low rider so that Obama Barrack doesn't find it threatening. Good. That's fine. But it means the undersides drag along the ground if you attempt to drive down a rutted track. Furthermore, the dials are awful. Like the dials on nearly all American cars, they look like they came as a job lot for £2.50. All in all, then, it's a terrible place to be, furnished and equipped with all the care you'd find in a North Dakota motel. And while you can connect an iPod, you can't control what tracks or playlists it selects. However, you tend to overlook all this because of the headrests, which, like the headrests in a 1990s Aston Martin Vantage, are just that. Not some safety device to keep your hair on in a crash. But a place where you can actually rest your head as the miles glide by. They do glide too. Apparently, the Flex I drove has firmed-up sporty suspension. You wouldn't know it as you cruise along in great comfort, napping occasionally. The only time you can tell that Ford of America's ham-fisted chassis men have been getting all racy is when you drive over a small pothole. Then, it feels like the Flex has snapped. It always woke me up, and that was annoying. Technically, then, the Flex is completely backward, and don't be fooled by the badge on the back that says "EcoBoost". That suggests it's a hybrid of some kind or that it runs on soil. But no. What it signifies is that instead of the V8 iron lung you might expect, it's propelled by a 3.5-litre twin-turbocharged V6 that produces 355bhp and will get you and your passengers from rest to 60mph in 7sec. "EcoBoost", then, is a badge on the back. Nothing more. So why, then, did I think, albeit fleetingly, that such a car might be exactly what you and I would need for the school run here in England? Simple. Because this is a car that can accommodate seven people and their luggage and some dogs, even if the dogs in question have just won the 2009 Biggest Wolfhounds in the World competition. And all the shopping a family of 43 could conceivably need for a century. It doesn't look big from the outside and it doesn't feel big when you get behind the wheel but there is no car made with quite so much room for seven to lounge. This is extremely good news if you have children who fight when they are forced within 6in of one another. Or, to put it another way, if you have children. The Flex looks like a Mini. It has the same cheeky stance, the same white roof and the same plethora of styling details that sit in the mix like a nice watch sits on Uma Thurman. And yet, inside, it can swallow everything you own. It's hard to understand how this is possible. But I've worked it out. America, and I'm including Canada in this, messes with perspective. The roads appear to be the same width as they are here but they're not. They're wider. And it's the same story with parking spaces at Wal-Mart. You can put your Flex, easily, between the white lines and so you imagine it will fit between the white lines back home at the Co-op. You imagine that because supermarkets are global and standardised, the parking spaces are too. But they're not. Parking a Flex in Chipping Norton, I suspect, would be like parking a Nimitz class aircraft carrier in Buckler's Hard. The fact is this: it can accommodate more than a Volvo XC90 because it is more than a foot longer. This would drive you mad. There is nothing — nothing, d'you hear — that is quite so annoying as finding a parking space and then having to hand it over to some smug git in a G-Wiz because your car is too big to fit. So I won't be importing a Flex any time soon. In much the same way that girls shouldn't think too seriously about importing the Tunisian waiter they slept with while on holiday this year either. The Clarksometer Ford Flex 3.5L EcoBoost AWD Engine 3500cc, V6 Power 355bhp @ 5700rpm Torque 350 lb ft @ 3500rpm Transmission Six-speed auto Fuel 18mpg (combined cycle) CO2 Not available Acceleration 0-60mph: 7sec Top speed 110mph (approx) Price $39,940 (£24,177) Release date Not available in UK Clarkson's verdict Suitable for brief encounters only Edited September 21, 2009 by Ford Jellymoulds Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silvrsvt Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Just goes to show you how different automotive tastes are in North America vs Europe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mettech Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 And many here wonder why the American 3 don't send products from the USA to Japan. :reading: It is what it is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ford Jellymoulds Posted September 21, 2009 Author Share Posted September 21, 2009 And many here wonder why the American 3 don't send products from the USA to Japan. :reading: It is what it is. Ka & Fiesta Euro Fusion toooooooooooooooo big for Japan? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pioneer Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Ka & Fiesta Euro Fusion toooooooooooooooo big for Japan? All of those are European models. He is talking about models made in the USA. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ford Jellymoulds Posted September 21, 2009 Author Share Posted September 21, 2009 All of those are European models. He is talking about models made in the USA. Right, I am well aware that very little from the big 3 gets exported out of North America to the rest of the world, thats why l mentioned the Euro models as they stand a better chance of getting sold breaking into the Japanese market. Lets hope Big Al can sort the big problem out by making more global cars. Little Boeing 737 to big Airboose A380 get sold to every continent in the world why in 2009 why are cars so different. It's a shame the Japanese don't curl up die, and say we "no can do" make big cars for the American market. What wrong with European models getting sold in Japan? Fiesta, Ka & Euro Fusion would be well suited. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustang_sallad Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 (edited) about the iPod thing, do you think it had Sync and the guy just couldn't figure it out? I thought the only Ford cars with an iPod/USB port also had Sync these days... overall, this was a pretty lame review... hardly spoke at all about the car as usual. I'm a big fan of Top Gear and all that, but I can't understand how this guy gets paid to write this kind of stuff. I wonder where he went in Canada. Edited September 21, 2009 by mustang_sallad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hugh Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 When he mentions curbs you can't open the door and (I'm assuming) potholes that wake him up, I think of when I lived in Quebec. The old-city centres have narrow streets and high curbs. On the highways, there are some holes that look like whole Civics would be swallowed. Honestly, I have no idea where he went, maybe a holiday. I guess you'll need a follow-up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timmm55 Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 As is usual for an American car, it came with a half-timbered steering wheel so that drivers are made to feel like they are in Anne Hathaway's cottage. Americans like it in Anne Hathaway's cottage. It gives them a sense of being. There was also some wood — well, I say wood but it was more like Fablon — on the dash. And the seats were quilted. By someone who has 10 thumbs. And is blind. Really? Isn't the wood steering wheel a Euro thing initially? Certainly Jags have had them for years. Mercedes, Lexus.....every premium brand does. I remember Lincoln Mark VIIIs having them on some models (Collector Editions). And I love the quilting. Jeremy Clarkson makes noise for himself. If it isn't for him, it must be against him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmc523 Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 about the iPod thing, do you think it had Sync and the guy just couldn't figure it out? I thought the only Ford cars with an iPod/USB port also had Sync these days... overall, this was a pretty lame review... hardly spoke at all about the car as usual. I'm a big fan of Top Gear and all that, but I can't understand how this guy gets paid to write this kind of stuff. Yes, it would've had SYNC, so as you said, he must've not been able to figure it out (even though it's ridiculously simple), because it does everything he complained it didn't. I agree, the first 3-4 paragraphs, I was like "what is he talking about".....then he finally got to (barely) talking about the car.....he didn't even talk about how it drove, except for the potholes. I think he should stick to the show.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark B. Morrow Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 (edited) timmm55 said: Really? Isn't the wood steering wheel a Euro thing initially? Certainly Jags have had them for years. Mercedes, Lexus.....every premium brand does. I remember Lincoln Mark VIIIs having them on some models (Collector Editions). And I love the quilting. Jeremy Clarkson makes noise for himself. If it isn't for him, it must be against him. I'd like to stay in Anne Hathaway's cottage as long as Anne is there. Edited July 29, 2019 by Blue Oval Guide DMCA complaint Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ford Jellymoulds Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 I'd like to stay in Anne Hathaway's cottage as long as Anne is there. LOL +1 Where this Anne Hathaway's cottage. You can't beat a nice Yorkshire lass hey Jeremy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WingBender Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Jeremy Clarkson is no more an auto reviewer than Michael Moore is a documentarian or Rush Limbaugh is a political analyst. Like the other two, he is an entertainer. Hope this helps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustang_sallad Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Jeremy Clarkson is no more an auto reviewer than Michael Moore is a documentarian or Rush Limbaugh is a political analyst. Like the other two, he is an entertainer. Hope this helps. meh, i feel his car reviews are a lot more relevant on the TV show. He actually goes into details about how it drives, and more often than not the car gets sent around their track. I wonder how the Stig would do with this Flex?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.